Process, Promise, Peace

These days hit different, weary the soul. Voices of dissension, all that negativity drowns out the positive like loud sirens. Getting through one day at a time is often a depressive fog. The future is dim, like somebody turned the lights low. When it erupts again and again into riotous protesting, wars breaking out, peace talks continually collapse, political wrangling like a cage match, one faction that will only compromise if it gets its way, attention must be paid. You have to stop and ask:

“Lord… seriously… what are we supposed to do?

Who are we supposed to be in all this chaos?

Above all, where are you to be found?

Remember, conflict is not a stranger to our world. There’s always been this push and pull, tug of war, my-way-or-the-highway attitude that aims to win, triumph, defeat the other side. Read your history: Roman conquests, the Crusades, Civil War, World War I, II, and following. Don’t forget the everyday drama and interpersonal tensions between people. The fear and anxiety we feel now has been part of the human story since page one. If it helps at all, take heart in knowing that Jesus saw the same mess, lived it, walked through it.

Yet, Jesus never mapped out plans to be the victor by crushing anybody who didn’t buy into his plan. Rather, he pushed for honest, real listening, respect, recognition of what the other side may need.

A Not So Novel Approach

Listen, he says. “If your brother sins against you,…” (Hold on now. Sin is a loaded theological term.)  But at the simplest level, it means somebody messed up, right? Broken a law or not followed a rule? Maybe. But in its broadest connotation, legalism is almost minor. Something has brought about a division, a rift or crack in the relationship between persons, groups, peoples.

Sometimes it’s not even the big, more obvious hurts, abuse, and harm. It can also be the tiny cuts, the microaggressions that needle and stick the person. Sometimes unintended, an ignorance of somebody’s culture, story, pain. Yet the impact, especially over time, affects as much as a long slice or deep stab in the flesh. God sees that hurt. God calls that division “sin.” And God wants it addressed.

Yeah? How?

“…go privately and point out the fault.” That takes courage. And some real assertiveness. Heavy chastisement, shaming, yelling, will only widen the separation. Passively allowing for excuses minimizes what has happened. Operative is a grace that exercises the basis of good communication. “When you (describe the behavior), I feel (name the emotion: anger, fear, confused, insulted, etc.) because (show its impact: disrespected, unloved, used, etc.)

It’s grown‑folk conversation. It lets each person, each side, understand the conflict and what needs to be resolved. The other person is not disparaged, but rather informed as each side feels heard. It allows each to have sensitivity in the issue and to express how to be better in the relationship. It’s listening rooted in love of neighbor, a core element in also loving God.

Don’t Quit After One Try

This simple method effectively helps smooth out relationship problems more often than not, but let’s be real, it’d be foolhardy to say always works. Sometimes, the person who has harmed another has issues of insecurity and the need for control. The prospect of changed behavior is not welcomed, for it could very well entail relinquishing old patterns of thinking and prejudice.

So they hit with denial: “I did no such thing” or “You shouldn’t feel that way” or “Who are you to tell me anything?” or even “I’m not like that!”

What then, dear Jesus?

“But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses.” The offended person needs courage here not to let the hurt be swept under the carpet. Yet, the witnesses must be trusted not to give verification as to what has happened, but rather that it has been addressed. To do otherwise would be triangulation indicating an inherent weakness in the process. But in the forthright expression of the harm and its impact, now openly expressed, the offender and the offended have another opportunity to enter into conversations real and honest. Both sides get another chance to listen and understand.

For the love of God, if only it was this easy. Maybe it would be if this is how conflicts were handled, if families taught children to use this in negotiating their needs, if workplaces were brave enough to practice this honestly and fairly, if churches employed more Christ-like attitudes and less parking lot gossip, if partisan groups truly cared about serving people. But we know what happens.

Final Option

As a last resort, Jesus says, “If that person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church.” Don’t consider this as some kind of religious tribunal. Rather, at its core is an assembly who actually want peace and unity in the community. Interventions of this sort practice guidelines to which both sides agree with the intent that whatever change results comes from a desire to improve a difficult situation for all who are involved.

Why persons refuse to listen or participate in the process is, well, too bad. Listening ultimately allows the chance to express the other side of the story. But refusal to enter into the listening process is a dysfunctional dynamic that impedes resolution. And that is a real shame, for it can lead to the possibility of seeming exclusion, seen as one on the outside, “pagan” in being unwilling to live in a community of relationships that are healthy, whole, and know that conflicts can be healed. It leaves them standing outside the circle, not because they’re “bad,” but because they won’t live in a community where healing is possible.

As Heaven Sees It

Something else sits in this: Jesus notes, “I tell you this: Whatever you prohibit on earth is prohibited in heaven, and whatever you allow on earth is allowed in heaven.” Huh? So we get to decide what goes? Not quite. The key here is “whatever.” Handle the inevitable conflicts and disagreements of human relationships with a grace that affirms and honors the other, allow love for neighbor to truly be the operative process, give space for all to listen and understand. Let God show up in the middle of it. That’s where heaven touches earth.

But that which separates and dominates persons who must share this created world together allowing division and conflict to rule the world, those who disallow a peaceful resolution by refusals to participate without preconceptions of what should be, those who grab at power rather than give up the right to be right will only block reconciliation. That’s tragic because God’s plan is peace on earth, just like the angels said. (Luke 2:14)

Key to any part of the peacemaking process is a preparedness to let God do what God does. Live into willingness to work with God’s purposes for justice. Allow the counsel of Christ to draw persons of differing backgrounds and perspectives into a blessed unity for world change. Any other strategy usually is self-destructive, and reconciliation looks pretty futile.

Jesus seals it with a promise. He doesn’t leave us to decide how to get things done. Yes, honest dialogue and refusing to stay quiet about behaviors that hurt are needed. Being a supportive presence with those who need voice is vital to the effort. Yet, he doesn’t just drop it in our laps and leave. He stays and is the glue and power that bonds us together.

“I also tell you this: If two of you agree down here on earth concerning anything you ask,

 my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together

because they are mine, I am there among them.”

Matthew 18:15-20

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